The baby passed on Monday night. It was worse than I could have imagined. It looked like a seen from a bad horror flick in my bathroom. God’s timing was amazing through it all though. A friend had stopped by just before it all started. She stayed with me and the kids until Travis could get home. The kids were gone to vacation Bible school for most of it. The very next day I had my already scheduled appointment to talk about the D&C that I did not want. I kept the appointment so that I could bring the baby to the doctor for examination. I have so many mixed emotions. I held the baby in the palm of my hand. He was still warm. I struggled the rest of the night feeling like I should keep his little body warm and having to remind myself that he was already safe in the arms of our Saviour. Sometimes I imagine my mother in law being the first one of us to see his face and make him smile. But nothing I do makes the hurt go away, except for spending time with my three boys. Last night I was thinking about the joy they still bring to me through my pain and about twenty minutes later Caleb brought me a bracelet he had made at VBS with three beads. He said it was my “happy thoughts”. I didn’t care that he had just watched Peter Pan last week and had learned that phrase from the movie. I knew in his heart he just really wanted to make me smile again. I told them that one bead would represent Isaac another, Caleb and the last bead would represent Austin. They thought that was special, but Caleb asked,”what about Daddy?” “Doesn’t he make you smile too?” Then Isaac had an idea that when I looked at the string that held it all together it would remind me of Daddy.
I know I will get through this, but right now, the weight of the pain and my confused thoughts are keeping me awake at night while my “happy thoughts” are all fast asleep upstairs. The first night I prayed until the Lord had mercy on me and all I remember was waking up in the morning feeling rested. But, last night I didn’t have the strength to pray for myself. I cried most of the night with a movie on to distract my thoughts away from my baby and all my questions that will never be answered while I am here.
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