Still Trusting Him
I feel like I should blog about how I have been doing, so you all can get some rest knowing that I am feeling so much better. After my weepy stage, I went through a severely angry stage. I was not really angry at anyone nor was I even angry with what had happened. I just felt a constant welling up of fury. I kept just trying to plow through life as usual, but I was yelling at the kids so much that they started to act out. I saw that I was hurting them, but I could not seem to control myself. I realized that it was my hormones that were again affecting my emotions. A friend who has also gone through the devastation of a miscarriage told me that I needed to do whatever I could to spend time away from the kids and doing things for myself. She told me of a VBS for the kids and it has been the best medicine for all of us! For the first time in my life I am focusing on what I need right now to get me through this difficult time without worrying about whether I may be hurting someones feeling by not returning a call right away or messaging them back during the only spare time I may have in the day. Maybe I will learn balance in this area of my life as a result.
The most important thing that I have seen through this is the trust that I have in God as my loving Father. I have been through so many trials in my lifetime from an abusive dad to abusive ministers and being left with a hopeless future just to name a few. There was a time when I wondered where God was when bad things happened. I have even been guilty of blaming him for the hardships. But I have examined my heart through this loss of my baby and seen that I really do believe what I say I believe about God’s character. God did not “take my baby”. He is not so selfish that He wanted to be with Jack so badly that He took him early to heaven. I believe what the Bible says about the devil that “he comes to steal, kill, and destroy”. But Jesus says that He has come to “give life more abundantly”. It gives me so much peace to know I serve a loving God like that. The enemy came in a did what the Bible said he would do and God allowed it, but He did not do it. Why did God allow it? I don’t know. There are a lot of things in life that I don’t understand. But, I also believe and have seen through every attack of the enemy on my life that God comes and uses it for my good. He really does bring beauty for ashes. Every time. So, I am not through this trial yet. I am still grieving and trying to make sense of it all. I am trying to feel normal again. But, I really do trust in His faithfulness and love for me. I am waiting for the healing to come and to see how He is going to raise me up to stand victorious over the enemy once again.
