Insecurity is a Female Dog

“Shy people are people who have something to hide.” The words stung like a bee attack on my sweet little high school romance. My boyfriend’s dad had made it pretty clear that he didn’t like his son dating me.

I had come a long way from the little girl who used to hide behind my Mom when people would talk to me. But this suspicious father still had me pegged. I was hiding something. I was trying desperately to hide every part of who I was from this man and his perfect little Christian family. Underneath my painful silence was the shame of being molested, raped, and a whole lot of bad choices I made myself. My blushing cheeks were certainly not evidence of my sweet innocence. They revealed my insecurity.

Insecurity has many other faces besides blushing cheeks and a mute mouth, but the one that really freaks me out is most often never discovered. It is disguised in pride, mockery, and control. This kind of insecurity is like a slithering snake; some find it very attractive and are even awed by its beauty or power. Its presence prompts fear, and you sense that if it feels threatened it will strike without warning. Somehow, we keep going back to the snake as if we are seeking its approval or an ally.

The snake is at work in that “mean girl” we met in junior high. We all talked about how much we disliked her, but we all wanted to be her friend anyway.

The snake can be seen in the person who somehow always talks you into doing things you don’t really want to do, but for some reason you just can’t say “no”.

It can rear its ugly head at you in passive aggressive jabs, coarse joking at your expense and other means that leave you wondering, “Is it just me or is this person totally putting me down?”

Insecurity victimizes so many in our broken society, but how do we love an insecure person without letting its demon control us with its venomous ways? Is it possible for me to do enough for this person to fill their void?

I’m not going to lie, catch me on a bad day in a group of people I don’t know or feel comfortable with, and I may revert to old insecure feelings. The difference is that I won’t make it all about me in those situations again. The stinging truth is that shy, insecure people are very self-absorbed people. All I used to think about was what others thought about me. How comfortable I was, how I looked, me, me, I, I. It never occurred to me that maybe someone else in the room may be feeling uncomfortable, and I could be a safe place for them.

I had a beautiful, charismatic confident teacher, Lynn Dicken-Cerullo who once said to my class, “ When you walk into a room, instead of wondering if anyone is going to like you, say to your self, ‘Everyone here LOVES me!!’” I still laugh every time I have to remind myself to think this way, but the reality for all of us is we are created in God’s image, all of mankind including YOU. So, with that in mind, the better question is, “why WOULDN’T everyone love us?”

I had some paradigm shifting to do before I could be free of my insecurity chain. But before that, it didn’t matter how hard someone tried to make me feel welcomed, loved, or accepted they couldn’t fill my bottomless pit. Sadly, if someone tried I would be more successful in depleting them than they would be in meeting my needs. I needed to change and people are helpless to change other people.

So the answer is “NO.” No matter how many hoops we jump through for someone, or how many favors we do for them, or how many times we put an insecure person’s needs above our own, they will still not get their need for acceptance and love filled up by us. In fact, we will actually be getting in the way of the ONE who is able.

God has a BIG job to do, and, admittedly, I sometimes think that I can do His job for Him. I just want to help Him so badly, so I play God to others for Him. But what usually happens … okay fine! What ALWAYS happens when I do that is I get in God’s way, and I mess things up worse for others and for myself. I prolong the suffering in their life just because I was trying to end it quicker.

Here’s the problem with the insecurity snake versus us; when we choose loose boundaries based on our own insecurities, we get burned and blame the person we were so diligently trying to love. But, whose fault is it really? Is it God’s for not protecting us? Is it the other person for asking too much of us? Or is it ours for needing something from them that we should have been getting from God?

Think of the way a python grips its prey tighter each time the victim tries to take its next breath until the snake suffocates the life out before eating it whole. It swallows the victim leaving nothing behind.

When we allow ourselves to become entangled by this serpent the person we once were will soon cease to exist. You can see this in any abusive relationship. The dominant forces at work in an abuser will strip its dependent of their identity, likes, dislikes, confidence and drive. Ever wonder why an abused wife doesn’t run? She doesn’t believe she can survive without her abuser. And she often feels sorry for him.

Insecurity can look a lot like puppy dog eyes too.  It’s the sad little face that makes you feel responsible for someone else’s happiness. Insecure mothers, for example, may feel rejected when their kids no longer need them. She may allow insecurity to control the way she communicates with her children. Eventually her kids don’t even want to pick up the phone because they are tired of the guilt trips.

You know, there’s a reason why a mothers milk dries up eventually, and it’s a reminder that we mothers aren’t supposed to be our children’s life source. We get to teach them to feed themselves, make good choices and prepare them to leave our nest. It’s not easy for any of us, but confident mothers will allow children the opportunity to spread their wings, make a few mistakes, and eventually soar!

We can all avoid becoming a female dog by not using manipulation to control others we care about. The saying really is true. “If you love somebody let them go. If they never come back they were not yours to begin with.” But a healthy relationship will respect each other’s boundaries without taking up an offense.

So many books have been written on boundaries and this is why. It is the key to loving that little puppy dog without being choked by its leash. Boundaries will allow you to love your friends and your family in a way that will protect them and keep you from getting entangled in an unhealthy relationship.

So how do we recognize an insecure relationship?

I think 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says it best.  “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

I don’t know too many people whose actions live up to this all of the time, so grace is needed in every relationship. But a healthy relationship will more often express love with these qualities. But what if it doesn’t?

If we are not setting clear boundaries with an insecure person, it will become increasingly difficult to love him or her with this perfect love. The more we do things for them that we don’t want to do, the more we allow them to make their frustrations our frustrations, when we take up their offenses without seeing the other side we will soon burnout.

Whether we want to overcome our own insecurity or help someone overcome his or hers, love is the key. The Bible says that perfect love casts out all fear and insecurity is rooted in fear. We will overcome our insecurity the more we understand how much God loves us. And we can help others by loving them as we love our self.

Matthew 22:37-40 AMP, “And He replied to him, you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind (intellect). This is the great (most important, principal) and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as [you do] yourself. These two commandments sum up and upon them depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Matthew 7:12 NASB, “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”

Learning to love God and learning to love ourselves empowers us to love others. We won’t be very good at loving until we have learned to love ourselves, and we won’t know how to love our self until we have discovered our value from knowing God’s love. No wonder these are the greatest commands! Abiding by them will keep us safe and to teach us to be a safe place for our friends and family.

Insecurity takes many faces; blushing cheeks, slithering snakes, and female dogs to name a few. These are your enemy, but your friend’s face is not.  If you are angry and at the end of your rope with your “neighbor”; establish healthy boundaries with them, and then fight FOR them not against them.

Ephesians 6:10-20, “A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.”

I can’t promise that healthy boundaries and walking in love will be received well in all of your relationships, but the Bible tells us in Romans 12:18NAS, “If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men.” Just do your part and trust the Lord to cover you.