Today I did a little reflecting of my own as I talked to a long time friend about potty training. Austin is almost two and it is still the furthest thing from my mind. He is almost definitely my last baby. Friends and family often comment on how much my parenting style has changed since my last two boys. By this age Isaac had spent countless mornings on the potty. There was no action going on. He had not shown any kind of an interest. Nor did he exhibit any of the readiness signs. But, being an idealistic first time mother and comparing him to what my mother always said I was capable of at 18 months, I thought he should be ready. Even if he wasn’t I was determined to make him ready. So, I would serve him his breakfast on the potty if I had to, but he was not getting up until he went. I have pictures of him fast asleep on the potty. And I ask myself, “What the heck was I thinking!”

I was young, and selfish and stubborn. Poor little Caleb, I can barely remember him as a baby. I was so caught up in pushing Isaac to grow up too fast and with the issues in my own life, that I never really bonded with him until he was three.

I had always wanted to be a mom. I had dreamed about it all of my life just like most girls do. But, somewhere in my mind I thought it would be different. I imagined that having children would be like wearing my favorite fashion accessory. They would be almost a part of me, make me feel good about myself, but without being too much or getting in the way. You could only imagine my surprise as I discovered that my whole life had to change. I would have to find a new normal. Everywhere I go, everything I do requires much more effort and planning. I may somehow manage to get myself and the baby ready and to church on time, but that last diaper change just before service has left me with only 2 undesirable choices. Either try to make it home and back to change my clothes before the whole service is over. Or sit through the service wet with baby pee on my top. I would have to learn to be flexible, to plan ahead, but be ready to change everything at the last minute. Ultimately, I was going to need to learn to love and to see to my children’s needs above my own.

Fast forward six years later, a little older, a little wiser but geez, SIX YEARS later! Baby Austin was born. I rocked him, I slept with him….I enjoyed him. I stopped trying to produce an Olympic gold medalist baby, and just let him be our little blessing. He is a baby being raised under grace rather than the law. Not one day has gone by that I have not adored him and loved being his Mom.

One day Austin will have to thank his big brothers for making me the mommy I am today. They taught me to be more selfless…at least more than I use to be anyway. They taught me to relax, things are not always going to be in tip top order. They loved me unconditionally and showed me how to love them and Austin in the same way.

So today I thought, “if I had it to do all over again” and guilt and condemnation welled up inside of me, but God’s grace took over and showed me the way out. I sat my boys down and told them how special they are to me. I confessed how my selfishness had failed them and asked their forgiveness. We prayed together and asked God to heal and restore every part. Then the boys spoke a blessing over all of us that they learned in church. And it’s done. God does the rest.

I am far from being a perfect mother, but I believe that with help from the Holy Spirit, a humble heart before my children and a willingness to continue to grow, my children will grow up whole and strong.