“If I had it to do all over again…”, my mom always says when the conversation turns to my childhood. Her countenance changes as the regret and condemnation she still struggles with fills her eyes with tears.

Today I did a little reflecting of my own as I talked to a long time friend about potty training. Austin is almost two and it is still the furthest thing from my mind. He is almost definitely my last baby. Friends and family often comment on how much my parenting style has changed since my last two boys. By this age Isaac had spent countless mornings on the potty. There was no action going on. He had not shown any kind of an interest. Nor did he exhibit any of the readiness signs. But, being an idealistic first time mother and comparing him to what my mother always said I was capable of at 18 months, I thought he should be ready. Even if he wasn’t I was determined to make him ready. So, I would serve him his breakfast on the potty if I had to, but he was not getting up until he went. I have pictures of him fast asleep on the potty. And I ask myself, “What the heck was I thinking!”

I was young, and selfish and stubborn. Poor little Caleb, I can barely remember him as a baby. I was so caught up in pushing Isaac to grow up too fast and with the issues in my own life, that I never really bonded with him until he was three.

I had always wanted to be a mom. I had dreamed about it all of my life just like most girls do. But, somewhere in my mind I thought it would be different. I imagined that having children would be like wearing my favorite fashion accessory. They would be almost a part of me, make me feel good about myself, but without being too much or getting in the way. You could only imagine my surprise as I discovered that my whole life had to change. I would have to find a new normal. Everywhere I go, everything I do requires much more effort and planning. I may somehow manage to get myself and the baby ready and to church on time, but that last diaper change just before service has left me with only 2 undesirable choices. Either try to make it home and back to change my clothes before the whole service is over. Or sit through the service wet with baby pee on my top. I would have to learn to be flexible, to plan ahead, but be ready to change everything at the last minute. Ultimately, I was going to need to learn to love and to see to my children’s needs above my own.

Fast forward six years later, a little older, a little wiser but geez, SIX YEARS later! Baby Austin was born. I rocked him, I slept with him….I enjoyed him. I stopped trying to produce an Olympic gold medalist baby, and just let him be our little blessing. He is a baby being raised under grace rather than the law. Not one day has gone by that I have not adored him and loved being his Mom.

One day Austin will have to thank his big brothers for making me the mommy I am today. They taught me to be more selfless…at least more than I use to be anyway. They taught me to relax, things are not always going to be in tip top order. They loved me unconditionally and showed me how to love them and Austin in the same way.

So today I thought, “if I had it to do all over again” and guilt and condemnation welled up inside of me, but God’s grace took over and showed me the way out. I sat my boys down and told them how special they are to me. I confessed how my selfishness had failed them and asked their forgiveness. We prayed together and asked God to heal and restore every part. Then the boys spoke a blessing over all of us that they learned in church. And it’s done. God does the rest.

I am far from being a perfect mother, but I believe that with help from the Holy Spirit, a humble heart before my children and a willingness to continue to grow, my children will grow up whole and strong.

I feel like I should blog about how I have been doing, so you all can get some rest knowing that I am feeling so much better. After my weepy stage, I went through a severely angry stage. I was not really angry at anyone nor was I even angry with what had happened. I just felt a constant welling up of fury. I kept just trying to plow through life as usual, but I was yelling at the kids so much that they started to act out. I saw that I was hurting them, but I could not seem to control myself. I realized that it was my hormones that were again affecting my emotions. A friend who has also gone through the devastation of a miscarriage told me that I needed to do whatever I could to spend time away from the kids and doing things for myself. She told me of a VBS for the kids and it has been the best medicine for all of us! For the first time in my life I am focusing on what I need right now to get me through this difficult time without worrying about whether I may be hurting someones feeling by not returning a call right away or messaging them back during the only spare time I may have in the day. Maybe I will learn balance in this area of my life as a result.

The most important thing that I have seen through this is the trust that I have in God as my loving Father. I have been through so many trials in my lifetime from an abusive dad to abusive ministers and being left with a hopeless future just to name a few. There was a time when I wondered where God was when bad things happened. I have even been guilty of blaming him for the hardships. But I have examined my heart through this loss of my baby and seen that I really do believe what I say I believe about God’s character. God did not “take my baby”. He is not so selfish that He wanted to be with Jack so badly that He took him early to heaven. I believe what the Bible says about the devil that “he comes to steal, kill, and destroy”. But Jesus says that He has come to “give life more abundantly”. It gives me so much peace to know I serve a loving God like that. The enemy came in a did what the Bible said he would do and God allowed it, but He did not do it. Why did God allow it? I don’t know. There are a lot of things in life that I don’t understand. But, I also believe and have seen through every attack of the enemy on my life that God comes and uses it for my good. He really does bring beauty for ashes. Every time. So, I am not through this trial yet. I am still grieving and trying to make sense of it all. I am trying to feel normal again. But, I really do trust in His faithfulness and love for me. I am waiting for the healing to come and to see how He is going to raise me up to stand victorious over the enemy once again.