This morning I have once again been playing catch up on the computer while giving only a small portion of my attention to the worship music playing in the background. But one small phrase caught my ear and overwhelmed my heart.

I am SO not a poet. I am actually more of a logical thinker which makes it sometimes difficult for me to put into words the explosions of love and gratefulness bursting inside of my heart for my Lord and Saviour. Thankfully, God has gifted others to write beautiful worship songs which enable me to express my heart to Him.

In my busyness, I almost missed this thought that has now opened my mind to a new way of viewing who I am or maybe I should say Who’s I am. “take His Name” is all that I can remember from the last hour of music playing. But my thoughts have immediately shifted to my single years.

My maiden name bares much shame. My father was extremely abusive to my Mom in many ways. I spent the first 18 years of my life in fear and shame for all of the sexual abuse my ,suppose to be protector, inflicted on me. Not only could I NOT wait to get out of there, but even after I became a Christian I longed for a new name. I wanted to put my past in the past once and for all. I had even considered taking my beloved step fathers name, but knew that my time would come soon enough. And my patience paid off.

When I was 25 I became Mrs. Rebecca Gates and breathed a sigh of relief. The new Gates legacy began with my godly father in law. He is a man of prayer, mercy, integrity and faith. My husband has followed in his fathers footsteps. He honors me with his eyes and his affections and respect. I have taken on my husbands name and, in many ways, his identity.

And then I thought, “yes Lord, I do want Your name”. The idea of being called a Christian and finding my identity in him was not foreign to me. I’ve heard it preached my whole life. But the passion I have felt as I now imagine myself a bride standing before an awesome God is stirring change in my thinking. I picture myself as I was at 17 years old when I asked Jesus to take me as I was with nothing to offer, but shame, a young woman labeled dirty and unlovable. My life was hopeless, and yet God proved the world wrong. It was then that He changed my name. And I am forever changing more each day into His image of me. In other words, because of Jesus in me, God sees me as beautiful, wanted, faithful, worthy, godly, and anything else that is pure and good. This is who I am now since I have received His Son. I am so honored to bare His name.

The first thing I use to ask my roommates upon walking in the front door, “did the man of my dreams call?”. I have such a dry sense of humor, I always say silly things like that as I laugh quietly to myself. They are like half jokes. I had no idea at the time who he might be, but I was anxious to meet him. And, like most young girls, get married and live happily ever after. After Travis and I had been dating for awhile, I asked my usual rhetorical question, but this time I didn’t laugh. I felt a weight inside of my heart as I pondered for a moment whether I had now met him.

Travis and I are about to celebrate our ninth anniversary together so I have been doing a lot of reflecting. Sometimes, in the morning while he is sleeping, I look over at him and think about how far we have come. When we first got married, we barely new each other in comparison to how close we are now. We were two very different individuals and now sometimes it is hard to remember things like who liked sushi first. We use to have to buy his and hers salsas cause “one of us” was kind of a white boy. We worried about such things as whether our kids were going to be vegetarians like me or carnavors like Trav. We argued about finances, we held onto our independence, we had not learned to be a team.

So, I stare over at my tender husband who has now become my best friend. He is the only one that I can trust the most intimate parts of myself to, my body, my dreams, my fears, my insecurities. He has given me nine years of unconditional love that has built an unshakable foundation of trust for our marriage. He has stood with me when I have been at my ugliest and meanest. He seemed to not have even noticed when there has been so much more of me to love after having babies. After our miscarriage, I lay in bed unable to sleep, unable to escape the pain of my thoughts and emotions. He sat up with me most of the night and carried me back to bed when I finally fell asleep. Then, without complaining, he got up for work the next morning.

We have come a long way since our days of fighting for position in our marriage. I thought I was smarter and wiser. He was determined to ignore my input and prove me wrong. We both now rest in our God given roles. We do our part and lean on each other when we are weak. He has become the man of my dreams. There is no other man greater than mine in my eyes. He is the sexiest man to be found. He leads me out of my comfort zone and into greater places. His belief in me gives me the confidence to reach higher. He is honorable to me therefore I treasure his opinion of me.

We walked down the isle and declared our love for one another, but what was suppose to be the most beautiful day of our lives has become a shallow memory in comparison to the love I now feel for my husband. He makes my heart beat faster. With every year that goes by, he proves himself as my hero.