The baby passed on Monday night. It was worse than I could have imagined. It looked like a seen from a bad horror flick in my bathroom. God’s timing was amazing through it all though. A friend had stopped by just before it all started. She stayed with me and the kids until Travis could get home. The kids were gone to vacation Bible school for most of it. The very next day I had my already scheduled appointment to talk about the D&C that I did not want. I kept the appointment so that I could bring the baby to the doctor for examination. I have so many mixed emotions. I held the baby in the palm of my hand. He was still warm. I struggled the rest of the night feeling like I should keep his little body warm and having to remind myself that he was already safe in the arms of our Saviour. Sometimes I imagine my mother in law being the first one of us to see his face and make him smile. But nothing I do makes the hurt go away, except for spending time with my three boys. Last night I was thinking about the joy they still bring to me through my pain and about twenty minutes later Caleb brought me a bracelet he had made at VBS with three beads. He said it was my “happy thoughts”. I didn’t care that he had just watched Peter Pan last week and had learned that phrase from the movie. I knew in his heart he just really wanted to make me smile again. I told them that one bead would represent Isaac another, Caleb and the last bead would represent Austin. They thought that was special, but Caleb asked,”what about Daddy?” “Doesn’t he make you smile too?” Then Isaac had an idea that when I looked at the string that held it all together it would remind me of Daddy.

I know I will get through this, but right now, the weight of the pain and my confused thoughts are keeping me awake at night while my “happy thoughts” are all fast asleep upstairs. The first night I prayed until the Lord had mercy on me and all I remember was waking up in the morning feeling rested. But, last night I didn’t have the strength to pray for myself. I cried most of the night with a movie on to distract my thoughts away from my baby and all my questions that will never be answered while I am here.

I feel like I should blog about how I have been doing, so you all can get some rest knowing that I am feeling so much better. After my weepy stage, I went through a severely angry stage. I was not really angry at anyone nor was I even angry with what had happened. I just felt a constant welling up of fury. I kept just trying to plow through life as usual, but I was yelling at the kids so much that they started to act out. I saw that I was hurting them, but I could not seem to control myself. I realized that it was my hormones that were again affecting my emotions. A friend who has also gone through the devastation of a miscarriage told me that I needed to do whatever I could to spend time away from the kids and doing things for myself. She told me of a VBS for the kids and it has been the best medicine for all of us! For the first time in my life I am focusing on what I need right now to get me through this difficult time without worrying about whether I may be hurting someones feeling by not returning a call right away or messaging them back during the only spare time I may have in the day. Maybe I will learn balance in this area of my life as a result.

The most important thing that I have seen through this is the trust that I have in God as my loving Father. I have been through so many trials in my lifetime from an abusive dad to abusive ministers and being left with a hopeless future just to name a few. There was a time when I wondered where God was when bad things happened. I have even been guilty of blaming him for the hardships. But I have examined my heart through this loss of my baby and seen that I really do believe what I say I believe about God’s character. God did not “take my baby”. He is not so selfish that He wanted to be with Jack so badly that He took him early to heaven. I believe what the Bible says about the devil that “he comes to steal, kill, and destroy”. But Jesus says that He has come to “give life more abundantly”. It gives me so much peace to know I serve a loving God like that. The enemy came in a did what the Bible said he would do and God allowed it, but He did not do it. Why did God allow it? I don’t know. There are a lot of things in life that I don’t understand. But, I also believe and have seen through every attack of the enemy on my life that God comes and uses it for my good. He really does bring beauty for ashes. Every time. So, I am not through this trial yet. I am still grieving and trying to make sense of it all. I am trying to feel normal again. But, I really do trust in His faithfulness and love for me. I am waiting for the healing to come and to see how He is going to raise me up to stand victorious over the enemy once again.